The Size of Your Family

Okay, so I've seen this book floating around and thought I'd read it myself. This is a touchy subject for most people, the size of your family. I myself, have been turning to God's Word for answers, searching for what He has desired my family to be.

First things first, God will never give us more than we can handle. He has a specific will for our lives and knows what each and every one of us will endure throughout our lives. We will go through trials and hardship. We will go through times of blessing and honor. The most awesome part about it is that the Lord is with us.

I thought I might break down the book chapter by chapter and let you know what some of my favorite parts were that stuck out to me personally. The book is written by Mary Ostyn and she is a wife to her high school sweetheart, mother to ten children, both biological and adopted (4 biological, 6 adopted) and she does love the Lord.

Chapter 1: Growing a Family...Are We Crazy to Want Another Baby?

"How can there be too many children? That is like saying there are too many flowers."
- Mother Teresa

*"Most people assume you have children to check the girl and boy box on your life checklist. It is still acceptable to have three children, but only if the first two are of the same sex. If you would want to have more than that, well, you are downright crazy."

*"A large family disturbs folks; it makes them reexamine their own choices. The decision to be done with babies stirs deep emotion. Usually there's no do-over. If you reach fifty and find youself mourning the speed at which parenthood passed, you've probably missed your chance to jump back on the train."

I love this quote. It doesn't just relate to children, but to all aspects in life. I was chatting with some girls a few weeks ago and one friend called me a "doer". She meant it in a positive way, meaning that I go for things I want in life. It's true. It's a positive thing, but it's also my greatest struggle. I am not naturally a patient person. I see something I want out of life, I pray about it (sometimes, too quickly and not long enough to listen closely to God...still working on that one!) and go for it if I feel lead and all the chips are lined up just so. I never want to look back on life and regret not doing something. I also know that being too busy, you can miss out on some of the most precious times. It's a constant balance thing. :)

Mary also talks about how others judge you and how to handle the unique (and sometimes, not-so-friendly) comments others make. Everyone is expecting you to screw up so they can say their "I told you so's". They knew you wouldn't be able to 'handle' another child. The funny part is that the comments come when you're pregnant, but once your unsupportive friends/family meet the newest addition, they're hooked and in love with this precious gift from God.

In this chapter, Mary also addresses spousal agreement. You and your spouse are a team and the decision to have another baby should be made together after much prayer. This goes for adoption as well. Sometimes, we feel lead to adopt, but the money isn't always 100% there. Mary addresses that they didn't have the money either, but somehow, God provided for each adoption (and they have 6!). Sometimes, one spouse may want another child, but the other is hesitant. The best advice she gives it to leave your spouse alone, stop nagging, pray and wait. There's a neat story that goes along with this in the book...that's why you have to buy it! :)

Chapter 2: Money...Just How Broke Are We Going To Be?

There are some interesting statistics here that discuss the costs of raising a child. "According to the calculation at Bankrate.com, it will cost you $190,000 to raise a child born in 2006 to age 18." Mary wondered if this could possibly be true so she did some research herself. She found out that the actual cost is $51,984 for 18 years. If you break that down, it's $2,888 per year. That's with using hand-me-down clothing, no schooling costs (she homeschools all of them) and just being frugal.

Some tips she gives on living frugally...

1. cook most food from scratch

2. plan menus to minimize extra trips to the store

3. watch prices and buy food where it is cheapest

4. grow a garden and preserve the extra produce

5. buy on sale and stock up

6. treat meat as a condiment instead of a the centerpiece

7. eat out in moderation

She also talks about clothing, gift giving, being smart and organized with your living space,vehicles, education, insurance/medical, childcare, activities/enrichment, college and what children really need in the rest of the chapter. One thing I really liked about this chapter is that it reassurred me that just because I won't have all three of my kids' college educations payed for in full by the time they graduate, I'm not alone. Personally, my parents didn't pay for my college education and I learned so much from earning the money myself.

Chapter 3: Making Space...Will We Need a Shoehorn to Fit Another Bed?

"Living in the Western world gives people a skewed perspective about the amount of space needed to raise a family. It is easy to look at the subdivisions with triple-car garages and to notice that our friends' kids all have their own rooms and to start thinking that much space is essential. But families have been thriving for centuries on far less space than we consider normal today."

Mary gives great tips on how to get your home organized and uncluttered to fit your family members. She talks about using loft bedding, double and tripple bunkbeds, storage under beds, decluttering, dark furniture, laundry management, bathroom solutions (she has some amazing solutions in this chapter), sharing bedrooms, funtional bedrooms, toys that are useful...Legos, dollhouses, play dishes/food, etc., keeping a durable home and being creative.

Chapter 4: Kids and Activities...Is It Still 'Home Sweet Home' If I'm Never There?

Mary really hits the note on the head with this chapter in how busy we are as parents. We think our children need to be involved in so many activities and at such a young age. They turn 3 and we're signing our daughters up for ballet immediately. Our sons turn 5 and it's off to T-ball you go! We need to really evaluate what activities our children are going to be involved in. At what is the cost to us financially and physically? What will the children take away from this activity? Will it be lifelong? What will your family lose from participating in this activity?

She also touches on choosing activities, setting limits, reality and expectations.

Chapter 5: Affordable Vacations...Is a Disney Vacation a Childhood Essential?

"Studies have shown that the memories people are most likely to remember from childhood are the unexpected things-the times that surprise or provide an interesting break in the routine."

This chapter touches on the alternative vacations to take as a family verses hitting the theme parks all the time. This hits home for us because we live in Florida. We have always enjoyed the beach, parks and wildlife, visiting the farm, boating, camping, canoeing the Florida rivers and lakes, etc. However, we do enjoy the theme parks. If you are a FL resident, you can't beat the deals for annual passes...go once, come back all year long. We are definately Sea World and Busch Gardens fans!

Mary talks about ways to do cheap vacations and making the most out of them.

Chapter 6: The Supermom Myth...Where Is My Supersuit?

I thought the title of this chapter was cute, only because the title of my blog is The Adventures of Supermom. :) Everyone knows that there is no such thing as a real-life Supermom! Oh the things we could learn from her if there were. Sigh. Anyway, I love this quote...

"Myths swirl thick around mega-moms. I can barely get through the grocery store without someone commenting on my candidacy for either the loony bin or sainthood. I'm not sure which perception I dislike more. People have a hard time seeing a mother of large families as normal. It's a shame, because not only does it intimidate other women into thinking that they don't have what it takes to mother another child or two but it also separates mothers of large families from the support they might gain from other mothers."

There's a story here about a mother of 12 that feels "less free to share her normal struggles as a mother". I think that's so sad. Every mother should be able to express her feelings of motherhood whether in joyous times or times of growth and struggle. This goes for the daddys too!!!

Another quote I liked..."many people quite honestly see only a few explanations for having a big crew: faulty birth control, extreme stupidity, or outright insanity. America is a self-indulgent society. The more children you have, the more demands there are on your time and the less time you have for yourself. Sure, you can still arrange time now and then to recharge...but parenting a large family chips away at your free time. That scares people plain and simple."

One mother of 6 says, "What touches my heart more than anything is to see the relationships that blossom between the children and to catch those moments when they let genuine love and caring slip through. I hope that those moments will keep them close to each other, no matter what corner of this world they land in."

Mary also touches on...Inventiveness, flexibility, humor, organizational myths, learning to say 'no', avoiding dry cleaners and ironing, priorities and chores and the myth of having extreme patience.

Chapter 7: Parenthood and Stress...Will Bedtime Ever Come?

This chapter focuses on helping children sleep better, how to dodge the stress you can control through playing praise songs or quiet music, dancing, etc. She also talks about making time for your marriage (so important!!!) and she gives some great advice for new moms.

Chapter 8: Parenting Hacks...Isn't There a Better Way to Do This?

Here are some points made in this chapter:

-respect people, respect property

-grocery shopping rules

- making expectations clear when you're out and about

- letting kids know what the agenda is

-considering older kids' feelings

-"The Gimmies"

- Bedtime battles

* She supports cosleeping until her babies are ready to move into a big bed, but I'm not a fan of this. A husband and wife need time together without children. Your kids are going to be gone someday and it's going to be you and your hubby. Keep the spark alive. Your kids already get you for 12+ hours of the day. Keep that time for you and your husband. Acceptions to this may be the first few months after giving birth when Mommy is feeding baby. I've personally done this. I did know the risks before doing so and I chose to sleep in a firm bed, limited pillows/blankets and without my rolling husband. I slept with my arm around the head of my baby so that it prohibited me from rolling over her. I don't know if I'd do it again though. However, "to each his own". I'll leave it at that.

The final chapters are as follows, but you'll just have to buy the book for the rest...

Chapter 9: Likable Kids...a great chapter on chores and developing good work habits. You'll love it!

Chapter 10: School Success...she does a fantastic job touching on how we choose to school our children whether they are public schooled, private schooled or homeschooled, our kids' learning styles, socialization myths.

Chapter 11: Encouraging Sibling Friendships

Chapter 12: Celebrating Each Child

I'm going to be honest. I ended the book teary-eyed at some of her personal stories of her family. So touching. Mary Ostyn is a fantastic author and she writes so that you feel as though you're sitting next to her on your couch, chatting away at life's experiences.

WRAP UP

So, how do I feel about this topic?

First, I know that God will only give us what we can handle.

-Philippians 4:13

-Proverbs 3:5-6

-Isaiah 40:31

God doesn't give us a magical number of children that He wants every family to have. He has plans for each of us individually. It does say in Psalm 139:16 that life is PRECIOUS to God. Isn't that reassuring and awesome?!

Some things that keep us from having more children, even if we wanted more are:

-MONEY

- mom has to go back to work or wants the career

- patience

- selfishness

- we can't handle the ones we have

The awesome part about this is that God can help us in these matters. He is in control. One phrase that we've all heard is that 'if we want something bad enough, to go after it'. Although I do love this phrase, we have to remember that God has to be in it to make it succeed and to where we get the full blessing out of it.

This is where the verses from Psalm 127:1-5 comes into play.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, it's builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, roiling for food to eat-for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame whenthey contend with their enemies in the gate."

We have to remember that God is to be the center of our households. If not, we can not receive His full blessing. When God is the center of the house, children are taught of Him and are disciplined. When children are revealing good character qualities, Christ-like qualities, Fruit of the Spirit, a parent won't look upon his children as an inconvenience, an extra expense or a bother. They are a blessing. (Isaiah 54:13...our children will bring us peace if we teach them correctly, Proverbs 22:6...discipline your children)

I'm reminded of John 15:5...

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bare much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

We can do nothing without Christ.

ADOPTION

God had a plan for families from the beginning. Genesis 1:28 says for us to be fruitful and to multiply. Well, times have changed. Sex is premiscuous and people have turned away from God. People don't understand what a blessing it can be when you wait until you are married. As children are being born into the world without parents to care for them, they are orphaned. God does tell us that adoption can be a blessing...

-Exodus 22:22-23

-Romans 8:14-16

-Galations 4:4-6

-Psalms 10:14,17-18

-James 1:27

Although adoption is expensive, if it is God's will for your life to adopt, He will provide the funds. Don't limit what God can do. Remember that your money is not yours, it's Gods! We also should not pass judgement on those that do not adopt. It may not be what God has planned for someone else's life.

Matters of the Heart

I think that we as parents get so caught up in so many details, even Biblical details...what we wear, how many kids we have, how we school our children, what we eat...we forget that the most important thing is that Christ cares most about the matters of our HEART! You can thumb through the Bible all you want on topics that are nitty-gritty, however in researching and comparing Bible verses this past week, I've found that there are over 264 verses where Christ addresses our hearts. What is your motive behind something? Are you doing it for the Lord or for yourself? The funny thing is that you can show what you want people to think or see you as on the outside, but Christ will ALWAYS know our HEART. :) God has a plan for each of our lives and He knows how to orchestrate the details to make that happen. We are to pray and seek Him. We are to be patient and listen to Him. We are to trust Him. We are to obey Him.

It sounds so simple, but we all make mistakes. We all forget sometimes that He is in charge. This is usually when he uses things in life to bring us back to Him.

Okay, so thanks for listening today. I hope that this book touched you like it touched me. Only YOU know what God wants for your family and the exact size He wants it. Pray, seek Him, be patient, listen to Him, trust and obey Him. You will be BLESSED!