Not Your Strength But Mine

It was a hard day with the kids. Homeschooling wasn't going right. The kids were irritable (therefore, I was irritable). As I tripped over Legos and train tracks, cleaning up bits of Playdough that the 3-year-old had missed while he "cleaned up" his mess, I knew it was a night where I needed to drive. Just a drive, some peace and quiet and everything would be okay.

Robbie got home and he knew "the look". The look that said, "It's been a long day. I've been trying to keep it together, but I need a moment to breathe." He handed me the car keys.

It was time for me to drive. Jesus and I needed to talk.

I asked Him as I was in the Target parking lot (sniffing back tears) how was I going to handle another child when the five little darlings (they really are, I promise) I already had were trying my patience that day.

Doubt set in. Hard.

Enter the Holy Spirit...

"I never asked YOU to do this. I am going to do it through you."

I breathed a sigh of relief. You know. The kind where you know God has something and you just forgot to turn it over to Him (like He didn't have it before!).

God was going to give me the strength for another child HE was going to bless us with through adoption.

Fast forward almost 2 years later...

"I'm tired and weary of battling", I tell God. "I don't want to do this anymore."

"I'm scared when I look into the eyes of Silas. I love him TOO MUCH." (Is that possible to love a child too much?)

Silas' birth father is fighting for him and we never saw adoption as a process like this. MOST infant, domestic adoption finalizations are within 4-6 months of taking baby home from the hospital.

Here we are almost a YEAR later and we are just nearly beginning the process.

We NEVER saw this coming. We knew this was an "at risk" adoption, but had no idea that this was around the corner. Nobody did. It was something God knew though. Somewhere we missed the Adoption 101 class where they tell you the real deal. Does anyone give those classes anywhere?

Today, I had a "hash-out" with God. I have always given every day to Him, but today was different.

I was ANGRY.

"Why God?" "Why us?" "Why couldn't we have one of those "normal" adoption cases that are hands-down, closed and finalized within a few months?"

I was the kind of angry where I needed my few sisters-in-Christ who have traveled this lonely road of adoption/foster care (because let's face it, this has felt more like a foster care case than an adoption...hello!) to INTERCEDE for me. To lift me up when I have nothing left. To love on me knowing the pain I have when I look into my baby boy's eyes, not knowing what lies in store even a few weeks ahead.

I was the kind of angry where I had to do a rewind and double check everything I remember the Lord revealing to us as we began this journey of adoption years ago. (I am a journaling freak like that.)

"Lord, did I hear you wrong? I didn't know it was going to be like THIS. I can't breathe sometimes thinking about not having my son. What's next?"

I beg for Him to reveal, yet again.

He does not.

Instead, He reveals His character. He continues to refine me. He continues to teach me patience. He never lets me go (even when I feel like giving in and when I don't want to fight any longer).

My dear friend Sara (not sure where I'd be without this gem...and a few others I may add) was reminding me today about the story of Jonah and how he looked at the assignment from God as just about impossible. He tried to hide and resist. It was HARD, but God delivered and came through, and oh the blessing that came from it.

The same for Moses when he reached the point where he couldn't hold up his arms any longer. (Exodus 17:12) Aaron and Hur held his arms for him.

I read THIS BLOG POST today (and just ordered their book!) and was reminded how important it is that when you're on the road of foster care/adoption, you HAVE to have support. And when you find those brothers and sisters who truly understand and can come alongside, you have struck GOLD.

Never let them go!

They will need you and you will need them. (Trust me.) God may even sever other relationships with friends/family so that His will can be done if He is calling you to this ministry. It happened to me. BUT, He will give you others to EQUIP you for what He is calling you to do.

He will bring you brothers and sisters to INTERCEDE for you when you can't hold up your arms any longer and if He hasn't yet, pray and He WILL. His timeline in all this is perfect too.

Sometimes, it's in the form of wisdom from a book, blog, YouTube video or the BEST is when He brings you people in person. Friends who will sit on the floor with you as your foster/adoptive babies play and you drink coffee, sharing where you are in court battles, etc. I love those days.

Sometimes, it's in the form of a phone call or text. A Bible verse from a family member.

   

God doesn't call the equipped. He equips the called.

(I have to remind myself DAILY of this. Sometimes hourly.)

I am no one special. I just told God a long time ago that He can use me.

Some days I don't want to answer the call from our adoption agency, worried it's bad news. I don't want to read the emails from the lawyer laying out how much longer this could take or what our risks are at the next court hearing. How each domino of this situation effects the next domino and when they will stop falling.

I may be angry with God sometimes. I may kick and scream that I don't want my heart to ache anymore. That I want this to be over, but throughout this whole process, He is teaching us, refining us, shaping us and disciplining us. Growing us and stretching us (and I don't like to be stretched).

When people ask how we do it, I don't say we do. God does.

He reminds us..."Not your strength, but Mine."

Amen.


Proverbs 27:17..."As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."